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| I look around at my life, at my spent free time, at where my money goes and who I spend my time with and I constantly wonder - is this it? Is this all my life is going to be? I long to make a change, to envoke some sort of disturbance in someone that makes the drive to achieve their goals. But how can I, when I have no desire to even pinpoint the goals of my own heart? I try to put faith in God - to believe that I am meant to live a life bigger than me. But how can I? When I am so weak that I cannot even sacrifice what I believe is a good thing, for the Grace of my God? Erwin McManus did a sermon about prayer. He said something that made me stop and think long and hard about my life. He said (summed up) how amazing is it that you or I can sit down at any moment in time, and pray to God, and He will talk back? We can have a conversation with the Creator of Heaven and Earth! In fact, He wants us to talk to Him, He has already chosen us. It seems so often that we try to spend our lives earning His respect, trying to be good enough to qualify for His Grace and peace and love, when we already have it, if we would just give of ourselves. I have been taking a good hard look at me - who I am, what my problems are, how I think and why I think the way I do. A lot of it has to do with how I grew up, and not in a bad way, just in general, and a lot of it has to do with the fact that by goodness, I am a cynic and I have to come to terms with that. It is a harsh reality but, I, like lots of people my age, can't take anything without first doubting it. There's always a catch, a hitch, a lie, a scheme, a plot, a controversy, a conspiracy, something. Nothing is ever what it seems. I wish so badly that I could just snap my fingers and not think that way! I am trying hard to train myself to think differently. Instead of thinking about all the negative things in my life, trying to focus on the positive. Trying hard not to compare myself to others. To not build myself up against someone I pass at work, or cut myself down passing someone at work. Trying to accept me, and others, for who they are (and who I am) in God's eyes. My friend Mindy has a quote on her myspace - "People should love you for who you are, because the people that mind don't matter, and the people who matter, don't mind." How true it is...I find too often that I compromise what I like, or what I'd choose to do, to please others. I compromise my situation to help out a friend, just to show them that I am worthy of their friendship. I go out of my way to make an impression. Other times, though, I really just don't care what people think, I am who I am, sorry for ya, take me or leave me. There's got to be some middle ground because honestly both sides of the spectrum are not good. I overanalyze EVERYthing. I also put WAY too much into the approval of men. I have had a rough year in the male department, and that is because sadly I put my worth into how attractive men found me. Not the right place to go searching for self worth. But it is difficult to change a pattern of behavior like that when it seems so natural to do so. Take this gentleman I'm dealing with right now. We'll call him...palmtree. Palmtree is a VERY attractive fun outgoing well loved person. He also has a very troubled past AND more trouble in his future; part of which is my fault, to an extent. He is one of the nicest men I have ever met - respected me and flattered me. Called me beautiful and gorgeous and would make comments like, for example, if I was sitting next to a guy at the bar he'd walk up and say "is this your girlfriend?" guy would be like, "actually, no she's not" (palmtree knowing full well I was his and only his) and he'd say "man, I was gonna say, you're the luckiest guy in town!" How smooth is that? Then all of this rubbish happened, and our happy fun-loving spontaneous nights were shot down. He changed, as would anyone, after their 5th DUI and the threat of 10 to 50 years in prison. Yes. That's what I said. I don't particularly feel like rehashing the whole experience, but lets just say palmtree and I were in the wrong place at the wrong time, and we got busted. So now, he has court in 7 days, and he's looking at 4 to 8 years in jail. When I type that, or say it, or even think it, my heart breaks into about a million bajillion pieces. But here's the thing - nowadays he really treats me horribly. He never calls, unless I call him first. When we go out, he never claims me as 'his' persay, he flirts with other girls, etc. But at the end of the night, I'm his ride home, and then he's all flirty with me again. And I know this and I see it, and yet every time I go back because he's just so damn charming. And hell, a guy like palmtree with a girl like me? it'd never happen - lookswise. This man is beautiful. Yet I know, in the back of my little brain, that I can do better. That I shouldn't be wasting time on a man who does what he does and plays like he plays. He takes advantage of my niceness and this I understand, yet I find myself WANTING to do things for him BECAUSE I was there when he got into his most recent run in with the law. I'm not in love with him, I'm in lust with him, and that is a very dangerous thing. I am afraid I might never be able to fall in love with anyone again, because honestly I cannot trust any male. Not that its their fault because by all means, if I meet a man and I know nothing about him, he has done nothing to lose my trust. However, being the cynic that I am, I demand that he gain my trust, which is a very difficult thing to do nowadays. I long so badly to be loved. To have a real, honest, meaningful, loving, fun, sincere relationship. There is no possible way I can do that without being comfortable with who I am, and I don't know when that is EVER going to happen. I am moving home and I have VERY mixed emotions about it. It will be good because I can focus on school but I have my pattern of how I do things now and my parents aren't going to like it. They're going to expect me to follow every rule they lay down for me and well, if one night I go out and we end up going to the casino until 6 in the morning (which happened this weekend, thank you very much) then I'm going to go out! I'll let them know what I'm doing but if they get pissy I'm not going to go home like I would've before I moved out. See the thing is, I've gained so much independence that I'm not sure how I'm going to be able to take having rules over my head again from my parents, whom I love very deeply and am so grateful for. How many parents would pay 3500 dollars (yeah that's right, read it again) to get their kid out of their lease in their shithole apartment so that they could move home and get things put back together? I am blessed with wonderful family. But I am also blessed (and cursed) with a very stubborn nature and I have a feeling that my parents and I are going to butt heads on more than one occasion after I move home. I suppose only time will tell. Well I have blabbed on and on tonight and I'm not exactly sure where this rant came from, I am impressed if you're still reading this right now - kudos to you!! but it is 12:23 and this girl hasn't had much sleep in the past 4 days, so she's going to bed. Good night, and to close with a quote from McManus - "Wisdom is born out of a life of perserverance that fights through the hard times and does not concede itself to the easy way out." God - give me the strength and the courage and the perserverance to fight through my hard times right now, and to come out ahead of the game, rather than behind. | | |
| Finally. School has begun.
I'm moving home I think.
I'm poor and killing my credit.
It bites the big one, but sometimes you just gotta be logical about things.
Dad was right, I couldn't make it. 
Glad to be in school though
Hope you're all doing well | | |
| I always think of great stuff to write about while I'm at work, and I can't do it til I get home, and by the time I get here what I wanted to say never comes out as brilliant as it sounded at first.
I suppose I just wonder what its like to be in a relationship. Its been such a long time since I've been in a healthy happy relationship, (almost a year, a little over a year if we take into account the last couple months of my previous relationship...) and I can't seem to remember how it feels to know someone actually cares about me. I know how it feels to actually care about people, I mean I have actually cared about probably 2 guys since Tony, like cared enough to consider having a relationship with them, to consider making myself vulnerable, to consider trusting again, and both times, both times I got used hardcore. I must ask for it, I mean yes, I am eager to be loved. Who isn't? Who's actually going to turn down love?
Excuse me ma'am? We have this lovely gentleman here, 6'3, 210, tan, brunette with blue eyes, nice smile, loves kids and animals, plays soccer and piano, has 2 sisters, respects women, goes to college and works at the hospital. He likes to go out, but he's okay with renting a movie and staying inside, or just going for a walk. He's smart, loves to read, but likes to be goofy too. He's interested in finding out if you could love him, whaddaya say?
I'm sorry, I couldn't say no to that. I'd be like, um okay, lets see what happens, we have some things in common. I guess its just not how I want it to be. I see people in relationships, and the little things to them are the big things to me. For example, today I went out to dinner with Kate Peterson, one of my best girlfriends ever, and while waiting for her a guy and girl came in, and he put his arm around her shoulder, and she rubbed his back and then rested her arm on his hip. I miss that. The closeness, the cuddling, when it actually means something. Being worth someone's time. I try to act like I've got it all together, I mean seriously, I have a great job, I live on my own, I'm going to an awesome university now and I'll graduate at the ripe age of 22, which I can't complain about. But who do I share that with? Family yes, friends of course, but at the end of the night when I come home alone, I think about family trips, and holidays are coming up, and yet again, I'm going to be the odd man out with no significant other. Mom and Dad, Matt and Jennie, Dan and Lorie, and me. Yes. I'm so thrilled about that you have no idea. And Christmas? Don't even get me started. I mean I know its early, it's only August and I shouldn't be thinking that far ahead. But, at the same time its like, well it's been almost a year already and nothing good has come from any of the men that I've spent any amount of time with, so what's going to be different? I just want to mean something to someone. I want them to look in my eyes and genuinely care about who I am to them. I just don't think that's too much to ask, and yet it IS so much to ask! Finding a genuine guy is like finding the lost city of Atlantis. And I'm sick of searching. | | |
| I was lucky enough to come across an online radio station that opened my eyes to a lot of new alternative rock that I enjoy so very much. see below.
Do It For Me Now
-Angels and Airwaves
I'm frightened at night, and the wind has a roar
It seeps through the hall, and from under the door
Like the shit that was said
I can't take it that well
I give and I give and I give and I give and I'm still
Lost and hurt and bone thin from the love that's been starved
I know I got close but I'm sure it's too far
From the point of suspense, we know it should be
The end of the part, of our favorite movie
When the guy grabs the girl and gives her his hand
Says take me away from this torturous land
Cause the grave is set up, the hole that I dug
I gave and I gave and I gave and I gave you my trust
Like the time that we kissed, and you gave me a lie
To act off this scene you pretended to cry
But I'm here and I'm cool, the way that it is
Just give me a chance and I'll try to forgive
And I don't know
And I can't guess
It's gonna be O.K.
But now, my last wish
Is that you do this with me
Kiss me here, and hold my hand
Let me feel like I'm the only one
I know you can
Won't you do it for me now
I really had it with the rain and the tears
The predictable storm that has come every year
And it sneaks from the shore with the bat in its hand
I'm trying I'm trying I'm trying I'm trying I can't
You're a thief and a witch, but I love you to death
You steal my heart and curse under your breath
But the one thing that I can most willing prove
That when you are gone I'll be fine without you
And I don't know
And I can't guess
It's gonna be OK
But now, my last wish
Is that you do this with me
Kiss me here, and hold my hand
Let me feel like I'm the only one
I know you can
Won't you do it for me now?
Now just hold on, hold on to me
Hold on, hold on to me (hold on to me) ... | | |
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